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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Legal Insurrection's Official Predictions for 2011

Here are Legal Insurrection's Official predictions for 2011:
  1. Obama will give an unscripted speech announcing he is resigning to take a year-long road trip to play golf in each of the 57 states.
  2. Joe Biden, the second in line to the presidency, will become President upon Obama's resignation, and head the Democratic 2012 ticket with V.P. nominee Alvin Greene.
  3. The Palin-Coulter ticket will emerge as the overwhelming favorite for 2012, winning the all important Gawker, Maddow, and Feministe endorsements, because sisterhood and breaking the glass ceiling counts for more than partisan politics. 
  4. The House and Senate will repeal Obamacare, and newly installed President Biden will sign the Repeal Bill using crayons from the recently defunded office of Kathleen Sebelious.
  5. Harry Reid will admit the war wasn't lost, and the surge didn't fail.
  6. Sheldon Whitehouse will give a speech on the floor of the Senate thanking health care protesters for participating in our democratic process.
  7. Chris Dodd will return to the Senate floor to blame Barney Frank for the mortgage bubble; Barney Frank will take to the floor of the House to blame Chris Dodd for the mortgage bubble; Jamie Gorelick will rat them both out for the reward money.
  8. Alan Grayson will run television ads stating that what he meant to say was, "Republicans want you to be happy and live forever."
  9. Media Matters, Think Progress, Frank Rich, Paul Krugman, The Gail Collins and MoDo will form a new media corporation named "You Didn't Think We Were Serious, Did You, LLC."
  10. Stuxnet will worm its way up Mahmood Ahmadinejad's ... (oh, forget it).
  11. Glenn Greenwald, Philip Weiss and Helen Thomas will chain themselves to the gates of the Palestinian consulate in New York, while singing "Am Yisrael Chai."
  12. Jon Ralston will endow a Professorship in my honor at his alma mater.
  13. The makers of the "Coexist" bumper sticker will change the wording to "No Surrender."
  14. The Southern Poverty Law Center will rename its "HateWatch" blog the "WeHateYourPointOfView" blog, and will call off its search for the Klan in Rhode Island.
  15. Congress will convene a Nancy Pelosi Eye Roll Commission.
  16. Someone finally will fix the sidewalk in front of MY house.
  17. Dale Peterson will replace Janet Napolitano as Secretary of Homeland Security, and will shoot anyone who comes near our junk.
  18. California will boycott itself, and spare us the trouble.
  19. Upper East and West Siders will start opening their own doors, just like the hicks Upstate.
  20. The Constitution will be amended to add a Guns & Tobacco Mandate.
  21. The Democratic Party will officially change it's name to the Democrat Party, and will switch from the strategy of crazy to the strategy of lazy.
  22. Washington, D.C., lobbyists will decide it's not worth all the effort and that they would rather spend time with their families.
  23. Sam Alito will show up at the State of the Union address wearing an "I'm with Stupid " t-shirt.
  24. I will take some time off from blogging because I'm soooo tired, woe unto me, and if you don't like it, you can leave and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
  25. Finally, we will judge people by the content of their character, not the color of their skin.
Whoops, wrong list.  This actually is Legal Insurrection's Official Wish List for 2011.

(Please do not consider this a "Best Of" of "Favorites Of" 2010 List, because that would be très pretentious.)

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  1. Hee! Geniusness.

    I think, too, that we can expect Scott Brown to become a conservative and for Twinkle Toes' naked shower attacks to be turned on Democrats who don't support new President Biden's HCR repeal. (surely you have links for those, too)

  2. Suggested #26: Congress enacts a new punishment for those members convicted of wrongdoing -- they will be slapped across the face, on the House floor, by some number of members of the opposing party.

  3. #10 - brilliant. If only...
    #13 - Professor, in the spirit of 'Honor Students' everywhere, why don't you add to your offering at Cafe Press, the following bumper sticker; 'I'M IGNORING YOUR COEXIST BUMPER STICKER'
    #19 - contrary to popular belief, Upstate hicks prefer that their wimmins open the door for them. 'Cuz its only 'fair'.
    #21 - I've been pushing to either drop that 'ic' or be 'fair' and add it to Republican(ic).
    #25 - Outrageous! The unemployment rate would skyrocket...

  4. I like 'em all except #19. That's never gonna happen, not with the rents we pay.

    Happy New Year!

  5. Far more creative and witty than a boring "Best of..." list. That's why we keep coming back.

    Thanks for all you've done the past couple of years.

  6. "très pretentious" professor? You have outdone yourself, the irony meter is off the scale on this post. =)

  7. #26 Holder and the State of Arizona work out a reparations deal for its unwanted illegal immigrants who will receive free bus fare and 40 acres in CA, Chicago and D.C.

    #27 Our science-based EPA decides that fiats are carbon emitting cars and so stops issuing them.

    #28 Unexpectantly, TSA workers start groping angry Muslim passengers and squeezing their women's hoohas. Coeds, cripples and grandmas from Peoria don't feel so alone, anymore.